Why A Young Person’s Bedroom Can Make You Cry
Jul
I have two children. Now young adults.
These two children haven’t always had perfect management over their personal environments.
Don’t mistake me: they are otherwise talented, beautiful, competent, affectionate, kind, loyal, care for their planet, nurture nature, love animals….
(A stress bubble to be featured in an upcoming blog: Obnoxious Braggart Parents Who Actually Believe That Their Children Are Perfect.)
Do you live with young people?
Most young people aren’t obsessively, er, clean. A young person who is exceedingly tidy might be in need of a tiny bit of counselling, at the very least receive a gentle lecture about “Perils of the Perfectionistic Personality.’ ‘Excessive cleanliness in a teenager’ could be a red flag, as it is the antithesis of what a moody, brooding, whining, messy, rebellious teenager (or young adult) is supposed to be.
The Decimated Bedroom has been a major stress bubble for me for a long time. I didn’t initially acknowledge it as a stress bubble. After all, with the ‘right’ parenting, I could change behaviours. A bribe here, a bit of motivation there, a lecture over there, yep, I could alter two separate, unique human beings and coerce them into perfecting their personal spaces to suit my standards.
And how I tried.
In vain.
Some children are tidy. Some are slobs. Some, of a mix of everything. Some change their ways.
I wish I had accepted this reality a long time ago.
My children have now grown into young adults (as children invariably do.) I now realize, after many years of fruitless self-battle that I always had two choices about their messes: to ‘accept’ them with ‘grace’ (ie gritted teeth, eyes huge, face red, mouth pressed into a line the width of dental floss.)
Or, fight reality, spin my perfectionistic and judgmental wheels into the ground, bitch, complain, beg, plead, bargain…go nowhere, real fast.
One route is healthier than the other, but it’s surely not easier. If you’re a parent, which route do you choose?
Onto my last confession, next blog.
We also have 2 lovely young ladies – one very recently married; one away for school 9 months of the year.
The condition of their bedrooms was their doing, their business and their concern. I created my own rule many years ago – close the door and leave things alone. They began to do their own laundry, …or not, the first time I heard “you shrunk it”.
What is on the floor, or put away – in their rooms – doesn’t bother me. When it began to bother them, they would do something about it.
Not a big stress bubble here for me.
Deb: You are one strong Mother Figure. The “close the door” idea is a beauty. And your acceptance has clearly been helpful for everyone in your family. Healthy, in fact. I’m jealous. Except for one minor problem. I have to beg my adult children to this day to close their doors. Go figure, don’t ask me to explain it, can’t. So that would never have worked for me. Ignorance is bliss, but I’ve never had the joy of Decimated Bedroom ignorance.
So you shut the door yourself……albeit everytimeyou go by it. I finally learned that wisdom when they were mid teens. The girl continues to be messy but not as bad. The boy is very tidy. They are who they are. It is always a relief to have my tidy house back when she returns home, but I adore her visits more than my tidy house. Mind you, they have been gone for 20 years so maybe I do not remember that well any more?? I love to see them come and it feels a bit lonely when they leave. Jean
Hi Jean: Parenthood: so painfully (and) so beautifully bittersweet. So complicated and intense! Your recommendation is great. Shut the door. Better yet, shut the door as the parent. Yet I have to admit: I would be on my knees, keeling from exhaustion, doing that 100 times a day. Further, The Mess of my interior space extends to the whole of my house, not just selected rooms. So perhaps I’m doomed. Acceptance is key! I will now chant…my house is a dynamic entity, not a freeze frame….